game design as therapy
A couple of days ago, I aired out some rough ideas I had for a future dystopian racing TTRPG.
This blog will be a little more personal. It is about me creating my first game and what that process meant for me.
This was my experience. I realize everyone is different and may not feel the same.
The Drive Back
I am currently editing and working on the layout for a game I wrote in June. It’s the first game I’ve ever “finished”, but I‘m circling back to after shelving it for other projects.
(Working cover image)
(As stated above) The Drive Back is a three person TTRPG about picking up a drunk, estranged somebody from the bar.
There is 1 player as a GM, 1 player as the Sober, and 1 player as the Impaired. Over the course of play, the duo will try to…
- find out how the Impaired got in this state.
- avoid a mess in the car.
- get home safely.
Movies are always touchstones for me. I gravitated towards the absurdity of After Hours, the self-reflection in Locke, the tension of Sorcerer, and the entire road movie genre. As a result, the tone can be taken a few different ways depending on the table.
Here is the current Forward to the game.
Hi.
This is a game that spawned out of a trip I had to make. A night in which I had to pick up my mother.
The police officer’s cold call was like getting electrocuted. Naturally, you jump to the worst case scenario.
Over the course of a 30 minute drive, it is easy to let your mind wander. Make excuses. Create fantastical scenarios.
My mind often circled back to why. How could this happen? What did she do? Is she going to end up in jail?
Surely there is a reason. Surely it’s not the looming answer. The unknown was agony, but in the unknown I still had hope.
The Drive Back was hell. I couldn’t get much out of her. She spent most of her time conked out, laughing, crying, and moving the damn bucket around.
I wish I had something else to blame. That would have been easier. I knew this was her own doing.
The following morning it was hard. I quit drinking six months prior, so we had a conversation that no one had with me. I knew the shame. I knew the regret. I knew the pain. This was the first time I had seen it on another person. And I loved that person.
We got through it. We’re closer because of it.
This game was created to help me process it. I wanted to crystalize my dread and stare at it. This game is about alcoholism – the relationships it ruins and the lives it takes.*
So.
Part of this sprung into my mind on the 30 minute drive there. I played out scenario after played out scenario of how something like this could occur. I was worried and coping.
As I stated, it was the obvious answer — this was her own doing. Any details were impossible to glean in her state. I was disappointed, but I knew this was the same disappointment as those who had seen me in this state. The frustration. The sadness. The worry. It hit me to my core.
When the real drive back did end, I couldn’t bear to sleep. I sat outside the room she slept in and my mind wandered again. I was willing to do anything but think about the conversation I knew we needed to have in the morning.
So as fucked up as it is… I made a game of it.
I was developing a (currently shelved) sci-fi game for over a year and this felt like an outlet. I needed to exorcise the stress of the night. Could I have just journaled? I don’t know, probably, but game design requires clear thinking. An objective outlook. It focused me to have that hard talk. The emotion and stress melted away.
The game isn’t as serious as the topic. The Drive Back is silly. I think I wanted to shed all the ridiculousness of the evening to have that hard talk.
The Game
Backdrop
It is a very late 2005 night. The Sober and their Spouse are on the way to pick up the Impaired from a bar. Who the Impaired is to the Sober is up to the players.
The Sober has received an unexpected call from a constable, who stopped the Impaired from driving. The officer is courteous enough to suggest the Sober pick up the Impaired.
The state of the Impaired is “very intoxicated” according to the officer. The Impaired does not remember how they got in this state. It is possible that someone else (the Culprit) is the reason.
Play begins with the Sober picking up the Impaired and their car. The Sober knows the Impaired better than their Spouse does, so it makes sense that the two player characters ride together. The Spouse is played by the GM and they drive the Impaired’s car.
The Goal of the Sober is to get everyone home safe as fast as possible (because this whole situation sucks) and figure out what happened!
The Goal of the Impaired is to pretend to be intoxicated, remember what happened, who the Culprit is, and try not to puke!
The Goal of the GM is to roleplay as NPCs, adjudicate unknowns quickly, maintain the Minutes and Distance as they come, and make sure everyone is having a good time!
Closing
My experience is there in some way or another. The constant movement of the puke bucket. My spouse having issues with the other car. The minutes slowly ticking by on the silent road. The hard conversation.
I finished writing it in the following weeks and didn’t know what to do with it.
To be honest, I don’t know who it was for besides me-from-four-months-ago. I wanted to share my experience and the game because this one meant so much to me.
I hope to wrap it up soon.
Thank you.
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